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Marriage is love. Love is blind.
Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
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There are 3 stages of SEX in a married life:
Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.
LOVE is a long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence ... a LIFE SENTENCE.
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A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned
over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too
much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
"Wow! This stuff really Works!"
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Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China , a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her!
Dad: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!! !
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Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I
said to her,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent
on some machine and fluid from a bottle. If that ever happens,
just pull the plug'.
She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer!
She is such a bitch!
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The great question... which I have not been able to answer is...
What does a woman want? -Sigmund Freud
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"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henry Youngman
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"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Sam Kinison
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"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran
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"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me,
and the second one didn't." - Patrick Murray
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle
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My wife and I were very happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
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Doc: Iha, mukhang pumapayat ka at hinang hina pa. Sinunod mo ba advice
ko na 3 meals a day?
Girl: Diyos ko! 3 meals a day ba? Akala ko 3 males a day eh!!!
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Mrs: Kung alam ko lang di sana ako nagpakasal sa iyo! ABS ka!
Mr: Anong ABS?
Mrs: Alak, Babae, Sugal!!
Mr: Eh ikaw CBN!
Mrs: CBN?
Mr: Chismosa, Bungangera, Nagger!.
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A guy picks up a girl for a date.
"Why are you wearing your belt around your knee?
Girl: I promised Mom that I wouldn't let you touch me
below my belt...
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A husband asked his wife, "What do you like most in
me, my macho face or my sexy body?
The wife looked at him from head to toe and replied,
I like your sense of humor".
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Gloria Arroyo, George Bush and Hu Jintao all die and went to hell. While in hell, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Hu Jintao asks to call China and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Hu writes him a check.
Next George Bush calls the USA and talks for 30 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so he writes him a check.
Finally Gloria Arroyo gets her turn and talks for 4 hours. When she was finished the devil informs her that the cost is $5.00.
When Bush heard this he went ballistic and asked the devil why GMA got to call the Philippines so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replied : "Since Gloria took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
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LIE DETECTOR
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy , knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said,
"I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John.
"When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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Aussie walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.
'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed..
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile hard on the top of
its head
The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'
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The following questions were set in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)... and they WILL breed and start voting in less than two years in future elections.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery
(So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death
(Factually accurate)
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. the abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U.
(What the heck, over!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section.'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
(Again factually accurate)
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
(OMG!)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
(brilliant� and when I be too old I be dead)
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or a Shreik wears on his head.
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A Filipino, a German and a Pakistani got arrested consuming alcohol
which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible
crime they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each
of you one wish before your whipping."
The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had
to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Pakistani was next up. After watching the German in horror he
said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Pakistani was
also led away whimpering loudly.
The Filipino was the last one up, but before he could say anything,
the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from one of most beautiful
part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For
this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Filipino replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are
also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it.
"And what is your second wish, ?" the Sheik asked.
Filipino smiled and said, "Tie the Pakistani to my back" !!!
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Pulis at Intsik:
Pulis: boss konting abuloy lang, may namatay na pulis.
Intsik: ako malaki migay amuloy masta alaw-alaw melon pulis paktay oke.."
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PASYENTE: Dok. . . Ninenerbyos po ako! First operation ko po ito. .
DOK: Alam ko ang nararamdaman mo. . .Kasi ikaw rin ang una kong
pasyente"
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May bagong kasal:
MRS: Honey malapit na tayong maging 3 dito sa bahay
MR: Talaga honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa balita mo
MRS: Oo dito na titira ang nanay ko!"
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Employee: boss pwede ba ako nalang ang papalit dun pwesto sa manager
natin na kamamatay lang?
Manager: ok lang sa akin na ikaw ang pumalit sa kanya, ewan ko lang
kung papayag ang punerarya :)
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bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!
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Bongbong: Pare sinong idol mo?
Chavit: Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Bongbong: Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
Chavit: Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.
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Erap writing on a slum book:
Favorite Actor:
Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)
Arnold Shwazenne... . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwazenner.. . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase)
Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)
Arnold Clavio
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Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..bastaa pareho po yan walang laman!
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TEACHER: Class draw a fish..!
CLASS: Yes ma'am!
TEACHER: Pedro, why is ur drawing very dirty..?
PEDRO: Ma'am, bagoong po yan."
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Tanga: kamusta yung exam mo.
Bobo: wala ako nasagutan, blanko yung papel ko. Ikaw?
Tanga: naku, blangko din yung papel ko, baka sabihin ni titser, nagkopyahan tayo.
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WIFE: maghiwalay na tayo!
MAN: 0k, akin ang bahay!
WIFE: akin ang farm!
MAN: akin ang kotse!
WIFE: ah pero akin driver
MAN: pwes, magkakamatayan tyo, MATAGAL NA SIYANG AKIN!"
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Mrs: hoy!Tama na yang beer mo masyado ka magastos
Mr: Ikaw make-up mo ang magastos
Mrs: Nagpapaganda ako para syo
Mr: Ako umiinom naman para gumanda ka!"
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May bagong kasal:
MRS: Honey malapit na tayong maging 3 dito sa bahay
MR: Talaga honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa balita mo
MRS: Oo dito na titira ang nanay ko!"
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REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or suspect ano
na po ang next step ninyo??
POLICE: DNA na...
REPORTER: Sir, ano po yung DNA ???
POLICE: "Di Namin Alam "
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Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan ko!"
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A black baby is given a pair of wings by a fairy..
BABY: Does this mean I am an angel???
FAIRY: (laughs) of course not! tong negrang to! ambisyosa! PANIKI ka!!
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In a party, a handsome guy appro ached a girl and asked; are you
going to dance??
The girl felt so happy that someone finally asked her and she said;
"yes".
..and the guys said "that's good, can I have your chair??"
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Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay ! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY: (Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod tayo!"
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Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang tinuro ni
ma'am yung katabi ko.. Muntik na ako!
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Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his translator:
Bush: "Lets help one another..."
Erap: "Tayo'y magtulungan. .."
Bush: "...let's strive together..."
Erap: "...tayo'y magsikap..."
Bush: "...because in union there is strength."
Erap: ". ....dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!"
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Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..bastaa pareho po yan walang laman!
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Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka
pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!
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Sa isang mumurahing airline:
Stewardess: Sir, would you like your dinner to be served?
Passenger: What are my choices?
Stewardess: 'Yes' or 'No'
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